Communicating in the Yellow Zone: An Overview

Here is the most common problem I see in relationships. It has to do with communication. Not any communication. Only tough conversations. More than 90% of the couples who end up sitting on my couch have this as a central underlying issue in their relationship.

Imagine a traffic light with 3 zones: The Green Zone, The Yellow Zone – the color for caution, and the Red Zone.

I believe that almost everyone is a good communicator in the Green zone. It is something that is relatively simple and non-controversial. The two of you are pretty much in agreement. For instance, one of you says “We ran out of milk, can you grab some on the way home?” The other one answers “Sure. How much do we need? One bag, two bags?” It’s easy. There is no way that this conversation is going to take you into the Red zone. Unless you have some strong feelings about milk.

A Yellow zone conversation is a different story. For instance, one person may say “I would like you to stop undermining my authority in front of the kids.” Or “I don’t like it when you change plans at the last minute when we agreed to spend time together.” This is not a Green zone conversation by any stretch. It is Yellow. Why? Because it can take you into the Red at any moment. We will talk about the Red zone shortly.

Let us first look at a stable and happy couple and how they communicate throughout their lifetime together. In order to see what is wrong with your communication, you need to understand how it is supposed to work properly.

Most of the time happy partners live in the Green zone. Let’s say roughly 95% of the time.

They may be having good conversations. They may be having fun together. They may be having fun in the bedroom. It doesn’t matter what they do. Things are good and easy. They do not need any tools or skills to communicate effectively. Some people say “Relationships should not be hard work. Relationships should be easy.” I agree with them. Most of the time, when you are in the Green zone, a relationship should be easy. It should be natural and organic. In the Green – be yourselves. That makes most of your relationship easy and simple. It is an important skill in itself to learn how to enjoy the Green zone without working on the relationship.

Unfortunately, nobody lives in the Green all the time. That is a myth about happy couples. Sooner or later, our stable couple will hit a Yellow patch. The uncomfortable 5%. This is where all the hard work is! Some other people say “Relationships are hard work.” I agree with them too but only in that Yellow zone. You need good tools to communicate in that zone. If you enter the Yellow zone expecting it to be as easy and natural as Green, good luck!

So, our happy couple enters the Yellow zone. At least 3 things need to happen there for them to remain happy and stable together.

Recognize the Yellow zone. Both of them need to recognize that they are in the yellow now. When you drive on the road and you see the yellow/orange pylons, you know that you are in the middle of the yellow zone. In your conversation in the kitchen or the living room, you will not see the pylons. The pylons are there though, psychologically speaking. You need to learn how to recognize them.

Slow down. Both of them need to slow down. I call this tool Down a Gear. Can you imagine driving on the road, seeing the pylons narrowing down in front of you and speeding up into it? Probably not. What I often see in couples I work with – that is exactly what they do. They pick up speed as soon as they enter a difficult conversation. The outcome – Red zone.

Apply Communication Tools. Only after the first two steps do you apply the actual tools. At this stage our happy couple addresses the issue that got them into the Yellow zone. More often than not, they find some underlying issues that were not as obvious before. The beauty of the Yellow zone is that only here you will find important underlying issues that are usually hidden. We will talk about underlying issues and communication tools at length.

If our happy couple succeeds at all three steps, the issue will probably be addressed. Not necessarily resolved. Some issues cannot be solved at the moment. But somehow processed and addressed. Our happy couple will then move back into the Green zone, as a team, and continue there, until the next time they hit a Yellow patch. The cycle repeats. I call it the Green-Yellow cycle. It is a good cycle to have. It is a truly enviable cycle to have in a relationship.

They stay happy and stable. Their companionship is thriving. Remember, they may still have issues in their lives. They are happy communicators though! The emotional connection between them is stable. This makes everything else easier.

Let us now look at a not-so-happy couple. They also start in the Green. They also end up in the Yellow. There is one important difference compared to a happy couple. Either the tools are not there or the existing tools are not strong enough for the job at hand. Maybe they are using the wrong tools because they could not assess the situation properly. Basically, something goes wrong with the 1-2-3 process described above. They end up in the Red Zone.

Let us briefly define the Red zone. There are only two things that may happen here. 1. An escalation – someone gets big with their energy. Or 2. A shutting down – someone’s energy shrinks in a way.

Both partners may escalate and it becomes an argument or even a dog fight. Alternatively, one partner escalates while the other one shuts down – the classical pursue/withdraw cycle. Sometimes one partner lectures or nags while the other one is quiet. Both may shut down eventually – silent treatment or cold shoulder. Basically, when there needs to be a slow and meaningful dialogue in the Yellow zone, but instead something else is happening – that is your Red zone.

Please note that the Red doesn’t necessarily mean yelling and screaming. It could be, but not necessarily. There are other expressions of the Red zone such as a cold shoulder or a silent treatment. Withdrawing is just as Red as raising your voice. There is definitely tension in the house. That tension is Red, not Yellow. Once the couple de-escalates from the Red they go back into the Yellow to try again, because the issue is still there. The tools are not at the Olympic level though. They go back into the Red. It becomes the Yellow-Red Cycle for a while. Instead of the positive Green-Yellow Cycle the unhappy couple ends up in a series of Yellow-Red interactions. This particular cycle impacts people in a negative way. Eventually, it has the potential of wearing you down.

What happens next is very important. After some time, at least one partner realizes that if they go into the Yellow zone again they will end up in the Red before they know it. The Red is very uncomfortable for most people. Therefore, one or both partners start avoiding the Yellow zone. They try to bypass it and go from Red into Green prematurely. They basically sweep it under the rug.

This is a very natural strategy. It actually works for a while. What happens after some time is that the rug gets fuller. It gets bumpier and lumpier. The normal 5% Yellow zone starts expanding under the rug. It goes up to 10, 20, 30, 60, sometimes 90% with little Green left.

If it goes long enough, eventually there is so little genuine Green left that any conversation can get you into the Red zone. Talking about milk can do it. But it’s not about the milk. It’s all the Yellow dust, or should I say gun powder, under the rug! One tiny speck and everything goes Kaboom! That is when people say “We go from 0 to a 100!”

A significant number of couples who come to see me are in that situation. The Yellow zone has expanded for them and there is less and less Green pastures in between. There is usually a noticeable amount of Red too. They say “when we are good, it’s great” meaning that in the Green zone things are okay.

As soon as they hit the Yellow zone though, it escalates into the Red somehow and they start going in yellow-red-yellow-red circles. Then they sweep it under the rug and go back into the Green, until the next time of course. The real cycle then becomes Green-Red instead of a nice Green-Yellow. Does this Green-Red cycle sound familiar to you? No wonder that either one or both of you avoid difficult conversations. You or your partner probably anticipate going in circles with frequent detours into the Red zone. At least one of you anticipates a negative experience.

For you or your partner to want to enter difficult conversations again, there needs to be a belief that something will be different this time around. You need some new tools. A new approach is necessary. I will provide you with that approach. You can click here for more information.